Blog 5401: Love's in the Hair

Ah, so its already been 3 months since my last post :P
Anyhoo, lemme move right on and post a new one.
This one's a speech I gave for a competition at IIMB... but its worthy of appearing here as a blog post too.

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For the love of hair

A man’s life is full of endless frustrations, fights, struggles, disappointments, ideas, strategies and remedies until the day he gains enlightenment and gives up. The day he realizes that do what he may, he will go bald.

The express purpose of this post, here, today, is to help you reach this conclusion. Allow me to show you that everything in a man’s life is designed to make him go bald. I speak from first hand experience.

I’ll follow the advice that the king gave to the white rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Begin at the beginning and go on till you reach the end.

Now, right from the time we’re born, we are encouraged to go out and play or sit down and study hard. Playing, you must understand, entails going out in the sun, having the wind ruffle your hair and having dirt fly around and settle on your scalp – all of which have been medically proven and constitutionally decried as being detrimental to the proper growth and well being of hair. And when you have the sun, wind and earth coming together to take your hair away, there’s little you can do to stop them.

I would have said ‘Hence proved’ but I see you’re not convinced.

Okay. Take studying. Why do we study? To take exams. What do exams do? They cause stress. What does stress do? It makes you lose hair.

I would have said “Hence proved” but I can see you’re still not convinced.

So consider love. As long as a guy is single, he worries himself no end trying to find a girl. Worrying, of course, does to your hair what George Bush did to the US – ruins it. Now there are three standard techniques that guys use when they’re in this phase of emotional development: a) they buy a bike b) try building muscles; and c) in any case, they spend a lot of money on girls. Now I can show you that each of these three activities is specifically designed to make you go bald. Riding bikes puts your hair at the mercy of the wind. Please refer to my theory on wind and hair propounded a while ago. Building muscles leads to excess male hormone secretion which causes male pattern balding. And spending too much money on girls who don’t finally turn into girlfriends has been known to induce a mature emotion called “I feel like tearing my hair out” which, as the name suggests, is not the best thing to happen to a man’s hair.

I would have said "Hence Proved" but some of you are... well...

So, if indeed the girl converts to girlfriend, things quickly move into marriage and parenthood territory. Both of those are positions of responsibility that a. don’t give you resume points and b. cause stress. Hence, more hair lost.

This phase of life also corresponds to a thing called work life. Governments around the world have asked tobacco companies to put the picture of a skull and write “Statutory Warning: Cigarette smoking is injurious to health” on cigarette packets. There shall come a day when such things will also have to be put on job appointment letters. Work is something that comes with a cloud around it that has “stress, stress, stress” written all over. First you have to study hard to get a good job. Then you have to work hard to retain the good job. If you don’t work hard, your boss will fire you. If you work too hard and stay long hours in office, your wife will leave you. Both events are known to cause stress. Stress is known to cause hair loss.

I hope I have made it adequately clear to you how playing, studying, love, marriage and work – all of them – will make you go bald. I’d wish, but my theory isn’t all just a conjecture I’ve dreamed up. Its backed up by solid observations from my own life. I personally have shown a lot of loyalty to my hair. Unfortunately, its been one way traffic for quite a while now. I f you really want to know how bad things are, then here's a story: a few days ago, a friend of mine put up a status message “Bad hair day”. I replied back with a status message of my own that read – ‘bad hair life’.

I would have said "I think you're not convinced yet", but I think I'll just say, "Hence Proved!"